When we last left our heroes, Robin had returned to the Batcave … but he was no longer Robin. Instead he has resumed his former role as Fantana-man, defender of babies.Batman: How did you survive the radioactive fallout?
Fantana-man: I went to investigate the wreckage of the crashed plane and gather some samples of the Octomom. But before I could get a piece of a tentacle, one of her irradiated babies gummed me. While I was unconscious, the babies shielded me from any further radiation. Now that I am awake, I have discovered I can talk with babies.
Alfred: You can talk with babies?
Fantana-man: Yes and I can smell what the Rock is cooking.
Batman: Incredible. You are an actual super hero. I’m just an unfathomably rich vigilante, but you have actual super powers.
Fantana-man: Let’s save this conversation for later. Right now we have to get to Angelina Jolie’s house before the Octomom can assimilate her.
Alfred: If the Octomom’s babies join with Angelina’s kids, they will have an army of babies the likes of which the world has never seen before.
Fantana-man: Leave that to me. Now let’s go!
Batman hops in the Batmobile while Fantana-man rides the Fantana-cycle, which is the Robin-cycle modified with a sidecar for the babies. They speed toward Los Angeles. When they arrive at Brad and Angelina’s mansion, they are greeted by a platoon of soldiers and Machine Rachel. A sergeant approaches the duo.
Ricky: My name is Sergeant Ricky. Batman and … umm … whoever your friend is, we have everything under control here. There is no way that Octomom bitch is getting inside.
Batman: What about Angelina’s kids? If the Octomom converts them, we could be in for some serious trouble.
Ricky: No need to worry. We shipped them all to Africa about an hour ago.
Fantana-man: Why didn’t you get Brad and Angelina to a more secure location?
Ricky: Angelina refused to leave her house until the gays can marry.
Machine Rachel spots Batman. Something goes horribly wrong. She malfunctions again and starts shooting wildly. Everyone takes cover. Batman makes his way toward her. He has an idea.
Batman: Rachel! It’s me Batman. Let’s talk.
Machine Rachel: No! Die Batman die!
Batman: I know you are upset over Harvey Dent’s death, but do you think this is what he would have wanted? What is wrong? Talk to me!
Machine Rachel: The only man who ever loved me is dead!
Batman: He was not the only man who loved you.
Before Batman can finish, there is an explosion followed by gunfire. The Octomom has arrived on the scene. The soldiers are firing everything they have. It is slowing her down, but she still advances. Her baby horde attacks the defenders. Fantana-man tries to reason with her infants.
Fantana-man (telepathically): Stop babies! What you are doing is wrong.
Baby 1 (telepathically and with a British accent): Fine sir, we know this to be true. However Mother has promised to release us if we fulfill her requests.
Fantana-man (telepathically): How long has she held you prisoners already? She is lying. I know you sense this.
Baby 2 (telepathically and also with a British accent): The handsome man raises a valid point. We have lived in strife under the rule of our oppressive subjugator long enough!
Fantana-man (telepathically): Join me and become my army of babies. Help me fight Octomom and I shall set you free.
Baby 1 (telepathically): This sounds like a most excellent deal. We shall unite with you in your quest for justice.
The babies turn and now join Fantana-man in his battle with the Octomom. Meanwhile Batman is still trying to subdue Machine Rachel.
Batman: Rachel, I love you.
Machine Rachel: What? You may have saved me once or twice, but you are Batman. You save damsels in distress. That is what you do. I am not special.
Batman: I am not just Batman. Don’t you remember?
A bolt of acid spit hits the side of the building. The Octomom slithers toward the opening in the house. Waves of babies crawl over her, gumming and pooping on her trying to stop her advance.
Ricky: This should stop her.
He retrieves a handheld, experimental ray gun. He takes aim and fires a blast straight through the beast’s face. The energy bolt cuts a hole through her head. She recoils backward before slumping to the floor.
Ricky: We did it!
The fighting stops. Angelina and Brad emerge from a backroom.
Angelina: Is everything okay?
Ricky: Everything is under control here.
Just then one of the Octomom’s tentacles latches onto Angelina and drags her inward. Ricky fires more shots, but the Octomom just regenerates and keeps going.
Brad: Hey guys, don’t worry about it. Seriously, I can get younger and better tail in this town.
The Octomom lifts her body to reveal her massive, serrated vagina. She shoves a screaming Angelina into her lady hole. As Angelina begins to dissolve, the Octomom begins to transform. After a few moments, she has achieved her final form. Her lips are puffed out. Her mace and sword have changed to a jackhammer and a massive chainsaw. She has doubled in size and her eyes are as black as ever.
Outside Batman is still trying to explain his feelings toward Machine Rachel.
Batman: Listen to me. I am not just Batman. I am …
Batman looks around to make sure no one is watching before pulling off his mask.
Machine Rachel: Bruce?
Batman: Don’t you remember?
Machine Rachel: When they reanimated me, some of my memories got fried.
Bruce Wayne: Rachel, I love you and I always will.
Machine Rachel bursts into tears.
Machine Rachel: I am sorry for attacking you.
They share a deep kiss. Bruce is a little turned off by the taste of Machine Rachel’s metal lips, but he tries to hide it.
Bruce Wayne: Let’s get back to kicking some octopus monster ass.
He puts on the mask and the couple sprints toward the house. Octomom has several of the soldiers in the air. She slings them around before smashing them against the mansion walls. Then she stops. She gives out a cry as she gives birth to more babies. But these babies are different. They are covered in scales and have lizard-like eyes.
Batman: I’m back. What did I miss?
Fantana-man: Octomom has shoved Angelina into her lady hole and Brad got bored and drove away.
Batman: Can you use your powers to subdue these reptilian babies?
Fantana-man: I’m trying.
Ricky: Concentrate Fantana-man! You can do it.
The Octomom spits a wad of acid phlegm at Ricky. He screams out in pain as the acid burns off his face. Fantana-man tries to not let this distract him while he focuses on taming the new babies. No luck.
Fantana-man: I can’t talk with them! These babies speak Portuguese.
Machine Rachel springs into action. She begins firing away at the Octomom. She fires a few volleys of rockets. The Octomom is dazed and then becomes enraged. The beast screams out and swipes at Machine Rachel. The tentacle connects and she flies a few hundred feet before hitting a tree. Batman launches several batarangs, but these do nothing.
Fantana-man perks up. He senses something. He tells his babies to fight off the new crop of Octomom offspring. Fantana-man sprints to the Fantana-cycle and burns rubber leaving the scene.
Machine Rachel gets up. She turns to Batman.
Machine Rachel: I know what I must do. Bruce, I should tell you … I love you too.
Batman: Rachel, no!
Machine Rachel charges toward the Octomom. She fights her way through her tentacles and climbs into the beast’s cavern. The acid inside does nothing to Machine Rachel’s adamantium exoskeleton. She opens a small panel on her wrist and presses a few buttons. A countdown sequence begins.
Batman: Don’t do it! Abort, abort!
The sequence of beeping tones end. Machine Rachel self-destructs in a cataclysmic fireball. Charred pieces of the Octomom fly everywhere.
Batman: Rachel, no! Why?
The remaining soldiers rejoice. Fantana-man’s babies outnumber and are overpowering the reptilian offspring. They vanquish the last of the reptile abominations. But before the babies can celebrate, the pieces of the Octomom crawl toward a pile in the center of the mansion.
Batman: Oh no!
The pieces reform the Octomom, who is now more furious than ever. She begins the warpath again.
The Fantana-cycle pulls into a driveway down the road from the battle. Fantana-man runs to the door and rings the bell. After a few moments, the door opens. Before Fantana-man is the Rock wearing a chef’s apron.
The Rock: Who the hell are you?
Fantana-man: My name is Fantana-man. I smelled you cooking omelets.
The Rock: Why yes I am! How did you know?
Fantana-man: It is one of my superpowers. I have no time to explain. The Octomom –
The Rock (interrupting): Say no more. Where is that jabroni girl scout?
The Rock turns off the stove, throws down his apron, and jumps into the Fantana-cycle’s sidecar. They return to the fight. Carnage is everywhere. Most of the soldiers are dead and Batman’s gadgets are having no effect. The Rock leaps from the sidecar.
The Rock: The Rock says it’s time to layeth the smacketh down on some Octomom candy ass.
The Rock charges the beast. The two trade smacks to the chest. The Rock then grabs her by a tentacle and slings her into the house. She smashes through the wall. He rushes inside. Before the Octomom can stand, the Rock finds a metal folding chair in the corner. He slams it into her face, knocking her back to the ground. The babies rush in and hold her down. The Rock promptly delivers a People’s Elbow. The Octomom screams in agony.
The Rock: That should disable her. She’s all yours kid.
Fantana-man sees Ricky’s ray gun. He picks it up and fires at the Octomom. Her head explodes and she collapses to the floor. This time her head does not grow back.
Batman: Why isn’t her head growing back?
The Rock: The People’s Elbow disabled her regeneration powers. She is dead.
Batman: But how?
The Rock: Batman … know your role and shut your mouth!
With that the Rock walks off into the sunset. Fantana-man turns to the babies.
Fantana-man (telepathically): You did it babies! You are free.
Baby 1 (telepathically): I must say this battle was invigorating.
Baby 2 (telepathically): Fantana-man, may we join you in your adventures? We would like very much to assist you in vanquishing evil.
Fantana-man (telepathically): You certainly may.
Fantana-man gathers the babies and they drive away in the Fantana-cycle. An exhausted Batman stumbles to the Batmobile. Before he leaves, he gazes at the Octomom’s corpse. He thinks of Rachel’s sacrifice and a tear streaks across his mask.
The two remaining soldiers clean up the mess. They are soon met by government agents. They load the Octomom’s corpse into a truck. The agents bring the Octomom to a military facility in the Nevada desert. Scientists begin to dissect her remains.
As a scalpel begins cutting into her purple flesh, one of her tentacles flinches.
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