Our heroes arrive at Gotham Harbor. They witness the Octomom attacking sailors aboard a small fishing vessel still tied up to dock. She swings her mace and sword, hammering and decapitating crew members. A horde of babies follows her and feast on the flesh of her victims. The Octomom stops only briefly to drain the blood of a few sailors and eat their scrotums.
Robin: Holy bucket loads of babies, Batman.
Batman: I see all of those offspring too, but we should focus on the Octomom.
The Dynamic Duo spring into action. Batarangs fly about, but they seem to only annoy the Octomom. Robin fights off a small band of babies while Batman retrieves his mini bazooka. He fires a sticky bomb onto the Octomom’s stomach. She pulls it off of her, but is unable to throw it away before it explodes. She loses a tentacle. Batman reloads to fire again. He stops when he sees her tentacle regenerate after only a few seconds. The Octomom gives a loud screech.
Robin returns to the Batmobile. He sits in the passenger’s seat, presses a few buttons on a console, and a minigun emerges from the top of the Batmobile. Robin aims the gun with a small control stick and opens fire on the Octomom.
Robin: Die you worthless bitch!
After a few intense moments, the barrels empty the last few rounds. The Octomom is bleeding a dark purple ooze from hundreds of bullet holes over her body, but she is still standing. Soon the ooze stops flowing and her wounds heal.
Robin rejoins Batman. The two are now preoccupied fighting wave after wave of babies. Then more machine gun rounds assault the beast. Two A-10 Thunderbolts release a volley of gunfire and missiles. The Octomom disappears under a cloud of smoke and debris. As the aircrafts fly over, a blast of acid spit leaps from the cloud and burns through an aircraft’s left wing. The plane crashes into a nearby dune. Then Batman spots a distant bomber on the horizon. Batman and Robin retreat to the Batmobile. The Octomom sees their withdraw and the approaching bomber. She returns to the water just before the Earth shattering warhead destroys most of the harbor.
Back at the Batcave, Alfred greets the bloody and beaten Dynamic Duo.
Alfred: Do I have to accompany you two on your adventures? It was just one, over-blown, TLC celebrity.
Batman: That thing was a celebrity?
Alfred: Oh yes! You might be spending your days running a major corporation and your nights fighting crime, but I have nothing better to do than to clean up your messes and keep up with all the latest celebrity gossip. The Octomom was a minor celebrity for a few moments awhile ago.
Batman: Then why has she been attacking sailors?
Robin: Why does it matter? We don’t have to worry about her anymore.
Batman: Robin, you have much to learn. Alfred, meet me at the Batcomputer. We have some research to do. Robin, head back to the harbor. Find out anything you can. Bring back some samples of her flesh. Whatever that was, it was no mere celebrity.
Robin hops on the Robincycle and speeds off. Batman and Alfred activate the Batcomputer, a bank of servers connected to twenty monitors. They begin researching the Octomom.
Meanwhile, Robin arrives at a dimly lit beach. The downed aircraft is still burning fuel, but no one is present to clean up the wreckage. Some of the purple ooze and chunks of the Octomom have washed ashore here. With the light of the Moon and the flames of the plane crash to guide him, Robin collects a few samples of ooze. Then he walks toward a piece of a tentacle.
Robin: Ouch!
Robin looks down to see a baby gumming his ankle. He kicks the infant away. He staggers over to the tentacle. The pain in his ankle builds. He drops to his knees. His eyes begin to roll back and dribble runs down his chin. He fumbles for a communicator, but he faints before he can use it. A wave of salt water rushes over him.
Back in the Batcave, Batman has used a program called Bathack to access some computers at the Pentagon.
Batman: Look at this Alfred. It appears Harvey Dent was not the only one interested in this Nadya Suleman, a.k.a. the Octomom. The FBI and the U. S. Air Force opened their own files on her. They quietly watched as she became popular then faded into obscurity. But this does not look like the creature that attacked the harbor.
Alfred: Then what attacked the harbor?
Batman: This monster had purple skin, powerful tentacles, and fangs for drinking blood.
Alfred: According to her file, Suleman underwent in vitro fertilization to produce her offspring. Could it be a strange side effect?
Batman: Doubtful. This creature has ceased to be human.
Alfred (pointing at one of the screens): It looks like the FBI also opened files on Angelina Jolie and Megan Fox.
Batman: It says her agents are reporting Megan Fox has recently disappeared. She was secretly replaced by stunt doubles as to not panic the public.
Alfred: Since she has no personality, no one has noticed! Smart move by the movie producers, but is this related to Angelina and the Octomom?
Batman: Perhaps. Megan Fox and Angelina Jolie have a “bad girl” but incredibly boring quality to them. Like they are trying to portray themselves as bad girls, getting tattoos and whatnot, and they have attractive bodies, but they are the dull, vanilla kind of attractive. There is nothing interesting with them in physicality or in personality.
Alfred: I know what you mean. However, many believed Megan Fox was attempting to copy Angelina Jolie’s style. Suleman was also obsessed with Angelina.
Batman: What is this?
Alfred: It is an e-mail between Harvey Dent and FBI Director Robert Mueller. The FBI contracted a district attorney in Gotham to build a machine capable of destroying this “new form of the Octomom”. “New form”?
Batman: I’ve got it! My old microbiology professor would ramble about his celebrity fusion theory. He believed celebrities, even minor ones, possessed an ability to fuse on the cellular level with other celebrities to become unstoppable mega-celebrities.
Alfred: How is that possible?
Batman: The exact mechanism was never discovered. Perhaps the Octomom uncovered a way to do this and assimilated Megan Fox.
Alfred: My God!
Batman: That must be what the FBI concluded. If the Octomom can assimilate celebrities, drain victims of blood, and eat men’s scrotums, then the FBI feared nothing human could stop her.
Alfred: Machine Rachel! That must be why they built her. She cannot be assimilated.
They are interrupted by a new e-mail between Gordon and Mueller.
Batman: Alfred! Mueller is reporting to Gordon that the Air Force attempted to destroy the creature … with a small nuclear weapon!
Alfred: Robin!
Batman reaches for his communicator and tries to contact Robin. He does not answer.
Alfred: Look at the rest of this e-mail. The Air Force is reporting its attack as unsuccessful.
Just then the Batphone rings. It is Commissioner Gordon.
Batman: Commissioner.
Gordon: Batman, the Air Force attack –
Batman: (interrupting) was not a success?
Gordon: Yes. How did you know?
Batman: I just know. I am the goddamn Batman.
Gordon: It is only a matter of time before she emerges again.
Batman: I know exactly where she will appear next.
Gordon: Where?
Batman: Angelina Jolie’s house.
Gordon: How can you know such a thing?
Batman: I know about her assimilating Megan Fox and the FBI’s communications with Harvey and now you.
Gordon: But how?
Batman: There is no time to explain. Angelina is the Octomom’s last piece.
Gordon: Machine Rachel is online once again. We are sending her there to guard Ms. Jolie.
Batman: Is that safe?
Gordon: It is safer than letting the Octomom have her way. It would probably be a good idea if you were there too.
Batman: Not yet. Robin is missing. I will have to find him.
Robin (?): Consider your search over.
A dark silhouette stands at the mouth of the Batcave.
Batman: Robin?
Robin (?): Not anymore. Robin is dead.
Alfred: Dead?
Robin (?): Before you found me Batman, I was a superhero of my own.
Batman: Yes, I know. I took you under my Batwing and made you a better crime fighter.
Robin (?): And I thank you for it, but I am no longer your sidekick. I am my own man with my own abilities … I am Fantana-man!
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