Cornhogs Drop Jacob Borland

~ Article by Bryan Fantana

Folks, it is official. On Saturday the Cornhogs head coach Christopher “Corn Daddy” Thomas confirmed that team and their freshman all-star Jacob Borland were going their separate ways. Cornhole analysts, including myself, had been speculating for weeks that this day was fast approaching. One cornhole team is not nearly big enough for Borland, Thomas, and their egos.

Lately the rumor mill had been churning out stories of locker room skirmishes between Thomas and Borland. The most recent altercations seem to be centered on Borland’s “Where the bitches at?” incident back in August. After getting “trashed as a motherfucka” at a gentlemen’s club in West Virginia, Borland drove his Ford Mustang off the highway and into a nursing home. Thankfully no one was hurt in the incident. However, police reports detail how an inebriated Borland repeatedly screamed out “Where the bitches at? Where my bitches!” He spent the night in jail before his parents paid is bail. It was a dark day for the world of cornhole.

Coach Thomas has become increasingly more public about his outrage over the event. Thomas, himself MVP during Corn Bowl ‘07 and Corn Bowl ‘08, has a grandmother staying in the facility. He berated his star athlete in his recent Facebook press release on Saturday.

borland lacks discipline he’s an airogant freshman who needs to be taught a lesson the Cornhogs ® we run a very tight ship here […] this move was the best possible move for hte Cornhogs ® and for borland himself when i’m done buttfucking his mom i’ll tell her to drop by his shitty ass apartment and whip is ass back to reality!!!

Later that night, Borland tweeted from his Blackberry a rebuttal.

chris can lick my dick! fag!!

In the fallout from this separation, the cornhole community is asking itself, “Can the Cornhogs make it without Borland?” Before Borland the Cornhogs were nothing short of abysmal. Last year’s 0-9 fallout during the regular season left many speechless. Some speculated the team was allowed to play again this year only because their roster included Levar Madison, the league’s only African American player. When the Cornhogs recruited the freshman Jacob Borland, they picked up a ringer. Coach Thomas saw talent and immediately placed Borland as the team’s captain.

While Borland may have been a total douchebag, no one could deny his incredible skill with a cloth bag filled with feed corn. He famously pioneered a technique he called the “tea bag”. For his signature move, he would swing the corn bag near his crotch while doing pelvic thrusts. When it was time to “release”, he would give us an “o-face” and sling the bag from his crotch. Then … swoosh. Nothing but hole.

The Cornhogs are currently 5-1 this season. With three games left in the regular season and Borland out of the picture, the Cornhogs will likely return to their former losing streak. The captain’s position looks to transition from Borland to junior Tim Galoski, who the Cornhogs only let play with them because Galoski’s father donates a ton of cash to Beta Sigma Omicron every year.

But do not think Borland will be just watching cornhole games from the sidelines. The Bag Boys are looking to sign Borland next season. Other teams have expressed interested in taking on Borland, but Bag Boy’s coach William Kingsley has offered to let Borland hit on his sister. Not his older sister; she’s a total bitch. I’m talking about his younger sister. The chick with the huge knockers at the Delta Phi cookout last weekend. YEAH!!!!

The Cornhogs will be facing the Corn Bandits this Saturday in the parking lot outside the UNC football game.