An Application to Comcast

~ Letter by Rythin of Scythgore

Dear Human Resources at Comcast,

My name is Rythin of Scythgore. I would like to apply for a position as a technician in your prestigious company. You will find that I am overly qualified for this occupation. My skills are diverse and my cunning is superb. I am what you humans would call a “demon” or a “boogeyman”. However neither of these is correct. I am an Oneck. My race has lived alongside humans for the past three thousand years. Your fears and your hatred are our sustenance. We feast like kings. Onecks have done everything from hiding under children’s beds to promoting genocide. Since the Crusades we have been behind every major war.

My last job was as a food depriver. My duties included preventing rain from watering crops and sinking ships full of supplies to third world countries. My colleagues and I are the ones responsible for world hunger. It is a most impressive feat. The fear of dying and the anger of those who wish to cease world hunger bring us all of the aura we could ever need.

But I am weary of such things. I want more excitement. I want a challenge. That is why I am applying for your wonderful corporation. Your company is one of the most evil institutions I have ever witnessed. Your complete disregard for your fellow human beings is awe inspiring. Never before have I seen such rudeness or apathy. Your tardiness to service calls is mesmerizing. I am rendered speechless by your cable and Internet rates. In short, I am jealous of your company.

Open your doors to this wonderful opportunity. I will bring to Comcast my many assorted talents. I am an expert in torture techniques. No mortal can make a man shrill in terror while being water boarded like I can. I have many new ideas for you to implement on your customers. For example, suppose a customer calls to complain his Internet is not working. After putting him on hold with technical support for over an hour, he gives up and comes to our offices only to discover an old hag who considers his complaint trivial. He schedules a technician to arrive at his apartment a week later. Then our automated system calls him asking him to cancel his appointment. But here is the twist. When he refuses to give in and a technician arrives, the costumer is shocked to discover a humanoid-shaped mass of fire ants at his doorstep. The ants move as one to create motion in the “legs” of this abomination. The hoard takes three steps before scattering throughout the apartment. For weeks they emerge from the walls and descend upon the customer. Their mandibles rip at his flesh until he is almost dead. Then, before he can taste the sweet relief of death, the ants scurry back into the walls to let him heal and repeat the process over again. I told you my cunning is superb.

As you can see, I am a gifted and malicious being who would be a great asset for Comcast. I look forward to hearing your reply. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Rythin of Scythgore

Enclosure:
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