Popeye the Sailor Man: Part I

Popeye the Sailor Man:
The Action Movie Reboot
Part I

Directed by Michael Bay
Written by Bryan Fantana

The movie opens with a shot of an oil tanker crossing the Atlantic Ocean. As the camera zooms in on the ship, there is an explosion on deck. Deckhands are slung off the ship by the fireball. The ship is on fire and it is only a matter of time before the flames reach the oil drums below deck. Four men in ski masks and all black clothing emerge from the explosion with guns ablaze. They make their way to the captain’s quarters. They catch the captain off guard. The leader of the terrorists speaks.

Leader: Where is the amulet?

Captain: I have no idea what you are talking about.

The leader looks around the room. He walks over to a board in the floor which appears a shade lighter than the rest. He pulls it from the floor to reveal a secret compartment with the amulet.

Captain: Listen to me Bluto. I know that is you behind that mask. You will not take that amulet.

The leader (now known to be Bluto) takes off his mask.

Bluto [played by Jack Black with trick camera angles to make him look taller]: You are no longer my commander.

Captain: You don’t know what that amulet can do. That thing is cursed!

Bluto: That’s not my concern. My employers want it and my employers pay well.

Bluto shoots and mortally wounds the captain. The terrorists hastily depart the flaming ship on a small escape boat just before a large explosion demolishes most of the ship.

The scene transitions to a Maryland suburb. In the front yard an older couple plays with a small infant. A black sedan parks on the street in front of the house. Two men in business suits exit the car followed shortly by a high ranking admiral.

Admiral [played by James Earl Jones … somehow]: Popeye. We need to have a word with you.

Popeye [played by Sylvester Stallone]: Olive Oyl, you should go inside. [It should be noted that this is one of Popeye’s three intelligible lines spoken during the film as casting Sylvester Stallone to play a cartoon character known for his problematic speech was a terrible casting blunder.]

Olive Oyl [played by a brunette Renee Zellweger]: Come on Swee'Pea.

Swee’Pea and Olive Oyl go inside the house.

Admiral: Popeye, we -

Popeye (interrupting): (unintelligible) ... Admiral Hamgravy … Navy Seals …

Admiral Hamgravy: I know your Seal days were long ago and you deserve your retirement. This country is grateful for what you have done. But we need you once more.

Popeye: (unintelligible)

Admiral Hamgravy: It’s your old pal Bluto. He and some members of a terrorist cell referring to themselves as the Atlantis Hunters have stolen a priceless Egyptian amulet we were transporting secretly on an oil tanker. A mole on the inside must have tipped him off. God only knows what they want with the amulet.

Popeye: (gibberish)

Admiral Hamgravy: I know you are uneasy about going against your fellow Seal. He’s a Seal and a damn good one at that. Like you. That’s why we need you. (Pause) I feel you should know that the oil tanker was captained by Commander Geezil. He wanted to personally escort the amulet.

Popeye: (unintelligible) … Geezil … (unintelligible)

Admiral Hamgravy: The last we heard Bluto is trying to find a map recently recovered with the amulet in an Egyptian burial chamber. The purpose of the map is still unknown. It is currently still in Egypt. The Egyptian government is uneasy letting us transport the map after Bluto’s attack. The map is at the museum in Cairo under heavy guard. But if I know Bluto, that will not deter him. We need you Popeye. Join us in stopping these terrorists.

Popeye: (unintelligible)

Admiral Hamgravy: If you decide to take my offer, then be at the dock tomorrow. The ship leaves for Cairo at noon.

The admiral and his personnel return to the car and drive away. That night Popeye and Olive Oyl make sweet love in front of the fireplace. No one in the audience is happy about this. This scene takes twelve minutes. The next morning Popeye is at the dock.

Admiral Hamgravy: Popeye. Glad you came around. An old friend his here to come along for the ride. I think you remember J. Wellington Wimpy.

Wimpy walks over.

Wimpy [played by Drew Carey]: Good afternoon Popeye.

Popeye: (unintelligible. He seems happy. I think I see a smile.)

Admiral Hamgravy: Hop aboard the ship and remember to put an extra boot up Bluto’s ass for me.

Popeye and Wimpy board the ship. Mid-voyage we see our heroes on the aft deck. Popeye lights a corncob pipe. Under the moonlight they talk about old times.

Popeye: (either speaking or trying to couch up something he ate earlier)

Wimpy: After my tour of Iraq as a technology advisor for the Navy, I returned to America to start a hamburger chain. Wimpy’s Whoppers. But we had to close down after two months when Burger King sued us over the use of the term “whopper.” Afterward I got into the arms business. Now I supply mercenaries and militias around the world with their tools of persuasion. (Long pause) Say, I wonder what Bluto and the Atlantis Hunters want with a map and a necklace.

Popeye: (unintelligible)

Wimpy: (laughs) You said it. When I get to Cairo, I am going to get the biggest hamburger I can find.

The ship continues its journey toward Cairo. Meanwhile at the Vatican, several cardinals are gathering in the archives. They are whispering amongst themselves.

Cardinal 1: Where is he?

Cardinal 2: He is almost an hour late.

Bluto throws open a set of double doors and enters the room.

Bluto: But I am here.

Cardinal 2: Do you have it?

Bluto: Of course I have it. You hired Bluto after all.

Bluto reaches into his pocket and retrieves the amulet.

Cardinal 1: The Amulet of Atlantis. Father in Heaven it is more beautiful than I imagined.

Bluto: So where is my pay?

A cardinal hands him a small stack of cash.

Bluto: This is only half!

Cardinal 2: You will get the other half when you retrieve the Map of Atlantis.

Bluto: You didn’t say anything about no map.

Cardinal 2: We hired you to steal whatever the Americans were taking out of Egypt. We thought that was just the amulet. But while you were away our inside agent informed us of a map that was in the tomb as well. We need that map. It is currently being held inside the museum in Cairo. Oh, and your old friend Popeye should be joining you there.

Bluto: Don’t worry. I’ll take care of the one-eyed runt.

Disgruntled, Bluto leaves. Walking down the streets of Rome, he is spotted by two police officers. Interpol e-mailed his face to every law informant agency around the world. The officers give chase. They loose Bluto down a dark alley. They begin to turn around when suddenly they hear something above them. They look up to see Bluto on some scaffolding. He gives a big grin as he drops a hand grenade onto the officers. The subsequent explosion kills the officers and destroys most of the nearby buildings. Bluto escapes unharmed. [This scene is necessary as the audience has gone too long without seeing an explosion.]

The next morning, Popeye and Wimpy arrive in Cairo. Their ship docks and Wimpy finds a burger joint right away.

Wimpy: One of your double deluxe hamburgers, my good sir.

Cashier (played by Bryan Fantana): That will be 98 gineih please.

Wimpy: Oh my! I seem to have misplaced my wallet. How about we make a deal. I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.

Popeye mumbles something to Wimpy. They head deeper into the city before the cashier has time to ponder Wimpy’s offer. Popeye and Wimpy wind through the city until they find the museum. There they meet with building security.

Security Guard 1: How can I help you gentlemen?

Wimpy: It is actually the other way around. It is we who can help you. A terrorist group may attempt to break into your museum and steal a priceless map.

Security Guard 2: (laughs) This museum here has the best security system in the world. Every square inch of the museum and the grounds outside are monitored 24/7. More valuable artifacts, such as that map, are locked inside a 10 foot thick, steal-reinforced, concrete bunker. No one is going to touch that map.

Popeye: (garbled speech)

Security Guard 1: We got things under control here. Tell your American government not to worry so much.

The guards laugh while Popeye and Wimpy head to their hotel room. They return that night and sit in a white van parked across the street from the museum. Wimpy’s binoculars scan over the museum’s exterior while Popeye loads rounds into a machine gun magazine.

Popeye: (unintelligible)

Just then an explosion rocks the museum. They look around. Crashing through a side gate is Bluto and his men inside a tank. The tank parks on the lawn, takes aim, and fires another round into the side of the building. The second explosion blows a large hole through the concrete bunker housing the map. Bluto and five henchmen climb out of the tank and make their way to the vault. They gun down guards while security alarms blare.

Popeye: (excited babble)

Wimpy: I’m too scared. I’m staying here!

Popeye exits the van wielding two machine guns and carrying a third around his neck. He sneaks over to the tank. Wimpy reaches into the back of the van and grabs a hamburger he had been saving.

Wimpy: This will calm my nerves.

One of the terrorists notices him in the van munching on his hamburger and opens fire. Popeye lays into the attacker with both machine guns. A dazed, but uninjured Wimpy crawls from the van and into a nearby post office. During the melee Bluto steals the map. After a few intense moments, Popeye takes out two other terrorists. The gunfire stops and everyone takes cover.

Bluto: Popeye, you old one-eyed runt! It has been a long time. What brings you all the way to Cairo.

Popeye: (unintelligible)

Bluto: You haven’t changed at all Popeye. Unfortunately I have a job to do. So I will be taking this map and collecting my pay.

Popeye: (gibberish)

Bluto: This bazooka here says otherwise.

Bluto retrieves a bazooka and shoots in Popeye’s direction. Popeye gets out of the way just in time. The firefight continues, but Bluto escapes by stealing a passing car. He leaves behind the tank and an injured terrorist. The police arrive a few minutes later and arrest the henchman.

Popeye and Wimpy return to the hotel room and quickly fall asleep. Early the next morning the room phone wakes Popeye.

Popeye: (unintelligible) … (unintelligible) … (unintelligible)

Popeye rips the phone from the wall in a furious rage.

Wimpy: What is wrong Popeye?

Popeye: (gibberish)

Wimpy: Olive Oyl and Swee’Pea are missing?